Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
