Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
it's like heaven, but drunker
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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