I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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