can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
