News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
