Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
