I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
