If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
