Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
