Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
