I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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