a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
