tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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