I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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