I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
