she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
