that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
