I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
