with your own penis?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I see more hoeing in ur future
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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