I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
