Plan B is the new Plan A
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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