My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
handjob tips. give me some.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
