I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
