even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
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I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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