Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
