They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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