dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
