If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
