Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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