i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
