My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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