There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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