this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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