Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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