just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
