I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
