it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
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Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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