did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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