i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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