I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
