If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
