Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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