I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
