3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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