I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
