This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
