is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
