A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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