you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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