I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
