i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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