i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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