i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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