This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
