I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
