Define "chronic" masturbator.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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