I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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