Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
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You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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