Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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