I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
