My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
