I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You ruined the universe
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
