You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
