We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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